Social Anxiety in the Bedroom #2: 15 Shockingly Honest Thoughts

Content warning: If you are related to me and/or a client and/or a former employer and/or a little squeamish about hearing details of my brain on sex, you may want to skip this one. (Obviously you’re welcome to read on if you’re cool with this topic.) The previous post is not about sex, and it’s here: Social Anxiety Is Standing In My Way Today. No worries, no pressure. xoxo

People are sometimes surprised when I say my social anxiety doesn’t “go away” when I’m with my husband.⠀

And I totally get where the surprise is coming from, but the reality is that social anxiety is present even when I’m by myself.⠀

Because my mind is always with me.⠀

Social anxiety is a disorder. It’s not the same as shyness, which can fade with familiarity with someone. ⠀

I definitely don’t experience social anxiety symptoms as intensely with my husband. But they’re still there. They’re always there. ⠀

And I know from chatting with others that it can be hard for a non-anxious partner to understand just how ever-present the disorder is. ⠀

Especially when it comes to sex.⠀

And I can empathize with that, too. If I’m getting naked with this other human, shouldn’t that mean I’m fairly comfortable with myself in this situation? ⠀

Yeah. No. Social anxiety laughs at that naive hope. ⠀

Today, I’m sharing a very incomplete list of anxious thoughts I’ve had in the bedroom. I hope it’s relatable and helpful and makes you feel less alone.

15 Socially Anxious Thoughts I Have During Sex

  1. Exactly how clean am I right now? When’s the last time I peed/showered/used a baby wipe
  2. What’s the last thing I ate? Should I brush my teeth, or will that be *too* fresh?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  3. Why am I wearing my [insert geeky graphic tee] again? (He has legit said, “Is it a Foxy Mama kinda night or a Snaxolotl kinda night?”)
  4. Should I take charge? I don’t want to take charge.⁣⠀⁣⠀
  5. Have I gone on top yet this month? This season? (I’m not against going on top, it’s just that I’m always tired and also it’s also a very tummy-flappy position and when I’m on top, my knee pops, and that makes me feel old. I don’t want to feel old.)⁣⠀⁣⠀
  6. Oh shit, does 𝘩𝘦 think I’m old?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  7. Ow, my hip.⁣⠀⁣⠀
  8. Do I look weird from this angle?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  9. Am I boring? ⁣⠀⁣⠀
  10. Do I look old from this angle?⁣⠀⁣⠀
  11. Oh god I just saw my tummy. It looks like a waterbed. Don’t look down. Never look down.
  12. Am I looser since having the kids? Mental note to ask him after.⁣⠀
  13. Is my climax face weird? Mental note to ask him after.⁣⠀⁣⠀
  14. Is he bored? Definitely don’t ask him right this second..
  15. Wow, that was an intense 10 minutes mentally. Anyway!

Parting Thoughts

These worries are real, but I’ve presented them in a lighthearted way.⁣ This is also a shortlist.
I don’t necessarily have 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 thought above in this 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵 order 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 time we get naked. ⁣⠀
But… I definitely have had all these thoughts often enough to write them down. ⁣⠀

There’s a lot more to say about the intersection of (social) anxiety and sex/sexuality.

But I think I’ll leave it here for now.

This post originally appeared as two posts on Instagram. This one and this one: